Operation Nr 2*** Surgery Nr 2

Jamen då kör vi- igen. Fast utan cancer denna gången. Mitt eget beslut. Bort med fanskapet. Så känns det, jag vill bara ha av bröstet. Jag har inte litat på det sedan det blödde i duschen den där morgonen.
Magkänslan säger mig att detta är den rätta vägen att gå, för mig alltså. Andra kvinnor tar andra beslut. Imorgon blir första dagen i resten av mitt liv. Det räcker nu, 2 år och 4 månader av ett rent helvete. Familjens dubbeltrauma sköt upp krisreaktionen och bearbetningen ett helt år för både Max och mig. Nu är vi där vi kanske "borde" ha varit för ett år sedan. Varje dag, varje vecka bearbetar jag och lägger minnen bakom mig. Avslutar dem och drar lärdom.
Fy vilken resa, fy vad jag har varit tvungen att gå igenom, fy -fy-fy!! Men vad jag klarar av!!
Jag har bestämt mig för att morgondagens operation blir ett avstamp in i mitt nya liv. Javisst, cancermonstret hänger fortfarande över axeln, det är långt kvar tills jag kan ropa hej men nu vill jag leva lite. Eller mycket. Det är faktiskt min tur att få leva.
***
It's time again. However, without cancer. My own decision. I want to get rid of the bastard. That's how I feel, I just want the breast removed from my body. I haven't trusted it since it bleed in the shower that morning.
My intuition tells me that this is the path to take- for me that is. Other women make other decisions.
Tomorrow is the first day in the rest of my life. It's enough now, 2 years and 4 months of a living hell.
The dubbel trauma in this family delayed the crisis reaction and later rehabilitation at least a year for both Max and myself. Today we are at the point we "should" have been a year ago. Every day, every week I process the journey bit by bit and put it behind me. I close down the memory and learn from the experience.
Oh what a journey, what I've had to go through! Double oh!! But I've learned how strong I am!!
I have decided that tomorrow's surgery is going to become the kick off into my new life. Yes, sure, the cancer monster still hangs on my shoulder and it is  a long time until I can declare myself free from that monster. But I want to live a bit. Or a lot. It is my turn to live now.

Late evening reflections. I am as calm as ever.
The feeling is the same as when I shaved my hair of before
the chemo took it. I "won". A major victory.
This is victory nr 2. Cheers to life!

I hate you cancer! For what you've done to me and for what you are doing to others! The chemo hopefully eliminated you, but at the same time destroyed my body for life. But you just wait, I well get back on my feet. I can learn to live with my new life terms. It is worth the prize I had to pay to have you
 never return to this body!

Så, idag var det inskrivning på avd 33 igen. Jag kan rutinerna här nu.
***
So today I signed myself in at ward 33 again. I know the routines by now.

Imorgon klockan 7 checkar jag in. Nu ska jag fokusera på den fantastiska duschen med Descutan... Men tvättsvampen kom iallafall i en påse med rosett. :-))
***
Tomorrow morning at 7am I will enter that door. Now I am off to other adventures. It is time for the wonderful disinfection shower... The sponge came in a bag with a bow. :-))